Not having been blogging for a while, the urge returned with a vengeance today. I spent several hours of my life trying to purchase new tyres for my car. First, my "hail marys". I have been driving (knowingly) with at least one half-deflated tyre for quite some weeks, always intending to "get to it". Worse, I have known for a while that all of the obvious tyre outlets near where I live close at midday on a Saturday, when the weekend is pretty much the only time I can purchase them.
Instead of accordingly setting my focus and getting it done, I fall asleep at 6am (no excuses) and wake up at 11.30am. Doh!
And I can't even honestly whinge "Didn't John Cain open the shops on a Sunday almost 30 bloody years ago???" because I have personal experience in the retail tyre industry - an industry time truly forgot - working at Goodyear (a company the entire industrial revolution forgot) for 7 god-awful months.
I know to call tyre retailing a dinosaur is to insult those who believe the Bible that God only created the world 80,000 years ago. Customer service is not exactly front of mind in the industry. I mean, I knew it wasn't a priority when I warned one of the heads of marketing at Goodyear that our biggest customer was going to switch to our main rival because we couldn't get anything right, and he just laughed and said "Let him go. He'll be back in three months, they're worse than us!"
Great slogan: "We know we're crap, but wait til you see them!" Not far from my soccer team's old chant "We know we're crap but at least we know what we are!"
So I have no reason to be surprised. But I am. Enough to not only commit the experience to my blog, but actually do it! (The CBF file lost one potential member!)
I thought when I woke up belatedly: There must be one tyre place open in Melbourne - a city of 3 million people - on a Saturday afternoon. Had I thought about it, the fact that I had already given up on an outlet being open on a Sunday probably shows how much that 7 months at Goodyear influenced my psyche.
I mean: don't most people do most of their driving on a weekend, at least those who don't drive for a living??? That's why all of those tyre places have RETAIL outlets? Someone must have asked (even by mistake) "What is the minimum our customers want? How about: "What's the least we can do to get the buggers' cash off them?" ($1500 later, I can tell you they slug you when they get you! It's just they made it so hard for me to hand over the cash to them.)
So what happened? I figured googling "4WD Tyres + Melbourne + Saturday" was a start and, sure enough, up came website links for Goodyear and Beaurepairs (Hi guys! Remember me? I was the sane Credit guy you all queued up to speak to because you couldn't deal with the mad bitch.), and one for Jaxtyres and another for Tyrepower. There was Bridgestone, and K-Mart. There was even one called Buy4WDtyres.com.au\Melbourne.
It was one brief shining moment; two or three hours later, I could only wonder how the hell the entire internet age had bypassed anyone with a brain in the industry. I mean, I know the consumer market is the add-on to the commercial market. Who can take my X-Trail's bald tyres seriously when one mining tyre costs $180,000 and when you sell millions of tyres to car manufacturers every year?
But did anyone think to ask "Why do we have a website for consumers?"
My needs were simple: I am a guy after all. Mr Website, tell me a tyre shop which is open on Saturday afternoon? Preferably, somewhere close to where I am. And tell me approximately how much it will cost so I can quickly compare all of my options.
I don't pretend I will compare the actual tyres; I assume they are all black round, rubbery things, preferably without punctures. I don't care about crap like that (how many times did I have to tell the "tyre monkeys" at Goodyear (that's what the store staff are called behind their backs) not to waste their breath explaining to me WHY they put one of those thingys on one of Lindsay's trucks, just tell me what I could call it in polite society and how much it should have cost him (charging Lindsay his special price on every item was one of the things we always got wrong - we weren't clever enough to offer a set Lindsay discount, we had to have a special price for every single stock item which, strangely enough, meant the tyre monkeys often selected the wrong one. Must admit I was actually surprised to find there were different types of tyres let alone all those other bits related to them.
But I digress. The Goodyear site quickly let me know I could get a $100 Visa Debit card if I bought tyres before New Year. Good, I thought: Should make up for the 40% staff discount I didn't actually get to use. (Memo to self: 40% of $1500 is $600!!!!)
But was there an outlet open? No, they all close at midday on Saturday and work 8 til 5 weekdays. How I chuckled to myself...Aaah, Goodyear, such a backward company....
Try Beaureppairs which most people wouldn't know is wholly owned by Goodyear, apparently for the purpose of competing against Goodyear for those Australians who hate Americans. (And also to take first Google position when you add the word "online" to "4WD Tyres + Melbourne + Saturday".) They have a different special offer but there is one big problem. There are no store hours anywhere on the site. So I ring the store number: No answer. Obviously, they close before midday. One piece of good news: A banner flashes up: "Now open Sundays at selected stores". Which? I'll let you know when it lets me click on it.
Ah well, at least I know I can get my tyres tomorrow: Wonder how the prices compare with Goodyear. Website has a button under the "Special 20% off" banner..."Order a quote" it says. "I will", I say...And CLICK brings up an email request to a store (I still have to nominate the store, so presumably they all have different prices, from which I will presumably receive 20% off). And I also have to type in the message, ie "how much are 4 tyres of xxxx type and brand, fitted and wheel aligned?". The fact that I just clicked on a button with the product I wanted a quote for doesn't seem to have suggested I want a quote for "that one". The only pre-populated text was "Please supply me a quote for"
They're lucky I didn't type in the email "a big, round black thingy with a name a bit like what I just clicked on". Suddenly, I am remembering how the back office staff used to call the store staff "dumb tyre monkeys".
Long story short (or shortened)....No operating hours at Jaxtyres. No answer on the store. None at Tyrepower. But Tyrepower has store numbers. No answer. Aaah, there's a call centre number; at least that will tell me the opening hours. No answer. I think it just re-routed me to the closest store which, of course, had no answering machine (because they were invented in the 1960s.) That is, of course, the reason you have a national number; to reassure customers that their call rings out at a location reasonably close to you. Damn right: there's no way I would buy a Chinese-made tyre from an American-owned company that would allow my call to not to be answered in India. I suspect Pauline Hansen rings that number just for fun.
Bridgestone. Remembering the words of the marketing executive at Goodyear (and the series of the Bachelor featuring the heir to the company), I am thinking how bad could this be....
Prices on website I can see - no.
Store hours - no.
But there is a store number.
Oooh, and a link called the "Bridgestone Tyre Selector". Oooh, fancy. Suddenly, I sense Goodyear are in deep trouble. The worst of the worst may actually have a feature helpful to your average customer.
Question 1: Make and Model....Ok, so far, so good. The Datsun / Nissan option did throw me a tad but I worked it out when I saw it went up only to 1984.
Question 2: "Do you drive mostly off road or on road?" Even I can understand why that's important.
Question 3: "What is more important to you: premium performance or cost-consciousness?" I am not a middle aged mother so had no problem selecting the "I'm cheap. Don't care if they brake like ice skates option and kill all of my children" option. Subtle.
By this time, I am seeing a full-on customer scorecard, replete with a complex decision tree directing to my many and varied options in the wonderful world of tyres. Finally, I'd understand all those special features the tyre monkeys chat about in the pub...
Question 4: "Do you want 4WD tyres or passenger tyres?" Now I am not certain here but I thought a 4WD should have 4WD tyres. I was going to click on "Passenger" just out of curiosity but had a sudden relapse into phobia of being laughed at by the tyre monkeys again, so I went vanilla.
And there was a list of their tyres. All of them. No filter. None of them saying "Pick this one because you answered Questions 2 and 3 the way you did."
Just a list of all of their tyres. I know it was because (a) I'm NOT a tyre monkey and (b) the first option was "the perfect tyre for a serious off roader". Given I had outed myself as a cheap arsed, driver of a toy 4WD who avoids gravel roads because neither my car, nor its driver, can handle them, I suspect that was not a option "specially selected" for me after all.
So much for modern marketing nuances.
But there WAS a store number. I rang the store in my suburb, almost out of spite. I drive past it every Saturday morning and the sign outside says "open until midday Saturday". But, a man - slightly harried sounding - answers. I apologise and ask nicely "I know it's late, and I think you're already closed...But what time do you close?" I figure he sounded helpful and most of the stores are franchises so he might be the owner...maybe he will let me pay him money (extra even) to get some overdue new tyres. After all, it could be dangerous for me to be driving around on bald, punctured tyres. I mean, isn't it enough that I have been risking my life for weeks?
But, alas, no. He is very nice about it but he should have closed nearly a half hour ago. "Do you know know if there is anywhere I can get tyres on a Saturday afternoon?" He wouldn't know, he says, but "try Mentone" (next suburb, "bigger store, longer hours", he says). I knew there was a tone in his voice and it only took me a few minutes to find out why...I rang that store: Answering machine says "Sorry we are closed, our operating hours are....until 1pm on Saturday." Shame it is just on 12.30. No wonder the other bugger was a bit resentful.
I am ready to give up. I am ready even to try Bob Jane, the mob who sold the last lot of 4 tyres. Even I know they should last longer than the almost 30,000km I achieved but I don't have the guarantee anymore and I didn't do the 'compulsory' wheel check 30 days later.
I may be a dumbarse about tyres but I'm not about the law and I know that voids most of my rights. At least, it makes them arguable. And I am too lazy to 'aggle on things like that. I like conflict but only on things I give a shit about.
Of course, this is the first time I have mentioned Bob Jane. Can't remember if they were #1, #2 or #3 in the Australian tyre retailing market but they are important. Someone should tell Bob Jane that they don't come up in internet searches for "tyre + Melbourne".
Another interesting marketing strategy designed to make it easier for their customers to deal with them.
While I, as a person, much prefer to sit around home rather than in a bare little shop, surrounded by screaming kids and drinking bad instant coffee; as a customer seeking to purchase tyres, however, I prefer to drive around on rubbery thingies. Anyway, that metal sound when the rubber runs completely through plays havoc in my hearing aids.
Ah well, at least I know there is a Beaurepapairs store in Bentleigh open at some point on Sunday. If I swing past there later on, I can find out exactly when they're open and, who knows, "Open Sunday" sometimes implies "Open after lunch on Saturday".
So, a quick check of this comparison site...Maybe, at last I can compare prices so I don't get screwed when I buy tyres (why do the advertised specials NEVER apply to my car???)
So...Buy4WDtyres.com.au...here I am. But it is another CLEVER marketing ploy (unfortunately, "clever" is spelt with a capital "K"and reversed "E's").
I am not suggesting it is a sponsored site but it starts out like a tourist advisory service...Melbourne is close to many good places for off road 4WDing (it said "driving", but I think "4WDing" makes me look more authoritative and helps me blend in better, kind of like those politicians who wear Drizabones and those Akubras when they visit country towns).
And, out of nowhere, click on the link "Where do I buy tyres?" and you have a wonderful, informative detailed guide...It is a choice between a hyperlink to the Beaureppairs website or the Tyrepower website (WTF has happened to Bob Jane? Did his ex wife strip him of the internet rights to his name as well as his manhood, or something???)
But, then, my internet dropped out. Still connected but no response. Did I mention I also worked for Telstra?
Not for the first time, I wonder how I lasted 7 months in that Goodyear job. Not for the first time, I realised the tyre monkeys in the stores are far from the dumb ones in the tyre retailing business in Australia...
And, finally, not for the first time, I got fleeced when I bought a new set of tyres. I even mentioned to the young bloke at Bob Jane (which was open after all) that I had got fewer than 30000 km from my last set of tyres but could not find the guarantee to take them back to complain.
"That's bad. You would have to be driving really bad to get 30 out of a set of tyres. Where did you buy them from?"
"Here."
"Which store?"
"Here."
"Oh..."
Later.."That will be $1507 please..."
But the Bank declined my request to draw on MY funds in my cheque account because my EFTPOS limit is $1000 per day; happily, there is no such limit on my ability to draw against my credit card.
Did I mention I once worked for ANZ too?
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